Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)

There are bad things around, and fortunately, they're all West of Terre Haute. I'm talking about monster-truck camaros and gerbils the size of cockroaches. Be warned!

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)

Ever heard of gastrointestinal rheticulosis? Me neither, but I'm warning you now that cafeteria food has been "improved" this year. Tomorrow afternoon, shave your body of all hair.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Hey, remember that guy who installed a screen door in a submarine. Well, he's dead. That's what happens when water pressure overcomes air pressure and geeks rule the world.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

It’s a special time of the year for you Capricorn's. After all, Christmas is only 3½ months away. Time to start hoarding shards of glass and garbage bags and twigs and whatnot.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Your three key words to remember this week: synopsis, sinuses, and minuscule. They say that "to err is human," but I think you're just an idiot. Why else would you walk like that?

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

It's time to start making that new roommate of yours really like you. Start out by chewing on his/her socks every night, then progress to rocking yourself while holding their chemistry book.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

You should get together with someone special this weekend and make meatballs, or go to the Kroger's and buy some frozen meatballs. Even better, go to Subway and get a meatball sub.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

You remember Gamera, the flying Japanese turtle? They're making a new full feature movie about him. Tryout's are being held here at Rose, so sign up in the Union before it's too late.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 21)

Already tired of homework? You should buy a bunch of tapioca pudding and eat it in class. When the teacher asks you what you're doing, say that you have to eat all of the tapioca before it goes bad.

Cancer (Jun 22-Jul 22)

Australia's the new rage this year. With the Olympics going there in 2 years, you don't want to be left out. Buy a rain coat and a hat and parade around campus in style. Oops, been there, done that.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

For all of those out there who have been to Akron, Ohio, give yourself a round of applause. There was this guy once, who ate so much that he died. Don't do that, it's real bad.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

You know, goats have always been speculative animals. Every so often, though, you'll see one and think, "Man, how could a goat think about much of anything. They look pretty stupid."

-A Thron Service; for entertainment only