Overworked Jakubowski turns to robot counterpart to appease alumni

Rose-Hulman President Gerald Jakubowski unveiled a plan Wednesday to aid him in the many responsibilities that he would have to perform over the Homecoming weekend, stating “It’s time for Rose-Hulman to take the next step into the future, and Jakubotski is a critical part of that step forward.”

When standing, the robot Jakubotski is nearly 20 feet tall, “which, while handy at pep rallys and in riot suppression, does present a bit of problem when it comes to fitting inside things like buildings,” commented a staff member who wished to remain anonymous for fear of a robotic reprisal. “Jakubotski has already left gaping holes in three academic buildings and the Union because the doors weren’t close enough for him. And don’t even get him started on what they did to Hadley Hall.”

Photo: Rose Thorn The Jakubotski 9000 is guaranteed to break the Homecoming microphone in half the time of the original model.

Since Wednesday, Jakubotski has escorted visiting alumni around campus either by walking alongside them or ferrying them around in the trailer of the semi-truck Jakubotski is capable of transforming into.

“It was a really nice ride,” commented alumnus Dick Stanislausky. “There was a full complementary bar, massage chairs, and a disco inferno in there. They even generously rented me some roller skates for $300,000. And I understand that all the proceeds go right back to Rose. Isn’t that great?”

In his off-time, Jakubotski has helped the freshman class protect the Homecoming bonfire. However, while standing vigilant guard, he has reportedly not stopped any upperclassmen from reaching the bonfire, preferring instead to “Keep a lookout for Decepticons.”

When asked about how Jakubotski has been helping the President, Jakubowski replied, “I’ve been dealing with a lot of all-nighters and paperwork lately, and Jakubotski has become an integral part of taking the pressure off of me and letting me do my job effectively. He’s truly more than meets the eye.”