Tales of a baggy ninja

Known to his family and close friends only as “The Moose Cruncher,” Nicholas Broadbent Lee was born on September 27th 1986 in Oregon. Some say he was the spawn of Bigfoot and Charlemagne; others say he was born of Scott and Laurie Lee. We are in no position to decide who was right. Legends of Nick began to arise around the year 1990 when he slain an Orca in the Great Salt Lake. Locals still sing of his exploits, and perform a dramatic re-creation of the event yearly.

Shortly thereafter, Nick’s family was forced to escape the fame, and moved to Bryan, Texas. While in Bryan he tried to maintain a normal life but embraced the color purple as it was hard to forget his royal blood line. After defeating puberty at the age of five with nigh a voice crack or pimple, Nick spent his summers working the seas along the Alaskan coastline. It was routine during these fishing expeditions for Nick to use his own body as bait, lulling the sharks into a false sense of security before bludgeoning them to death with a Louisville Slugger. While in port, Nick oft competed in lumberjacking competitions to prove his mettle. Nick dominated these competitions, winning all but one of them. In the one he did not win, Nick lost a hand while chain-sawing a log, only to reattach it himself mid-competition and finish second. While spending a night in the hospital to recover from this mishap, Princess Diana and Nelson Mandela visited him to deliver a magical puppy to help speed his recovery. Nick loved this puppy with the whole of his carbon fiber soul, making his life goal to keep this puppy a puppy forever: small, furry, and adorable. It was this love that lead him to biomedical engineering. However, after a week of research, Nick realized his dream, and discovered how to make it happen, only to also discover that all of the concentrated adorableness would make the universe implode. Nick decided this was his secret, and his secret alone, for him to carry in his baggy, black pants as Atlas carried the world on his shoulders. After all of his exploits, Nick decided it was time to lay low for a spell.

In the fall of 2005, he was drawn out of his lull by the cry of the Chimera in the city of Terre Haute. The Chimera was Nick’s mortal enemy, and after a brief struggle, Nick vanquished the Chimera with a spear forged from a can of Keystone and the femur of Montezuma. After conquering the Chimera, the bane of Terre Haute, Nick decided to stay and conquer the SRC Natatorium and Coach Caruso’s heart. Nick found his homework simple, and instead spent his time single-handedly busting meth labs and teaching local children the Hausdorff maximal principle. After successfully dividing the meaning of life by zero, Nick used the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus to prove the existence of God, Moses, and Unicorns. Soon thereafter, “The Moose Cruncher” developed a working model of a cold fusion device that would simultaneously end the world’s environmental and energy concerns, gaining the praise of Al Gore, his holiness the Dalai Lama, and his old friend Nelson Mandela. Many speculate the pope would’ve also approved if it weren’t for a blood feud between the two over a T-shirt of Nick’s design. Unfortunately for us, Nick recorded all of his discoveries in an unintelligible script, known only to Nick, John Stamos, and the Loch Ness Monster. Nick truly was the “self made man”, literally hewing himself from a solid slab of bronze.