Equality activists

In response to the rapidly increasing number of legislative actions banning the use of trans-fats, including one such proposal currently under consideration in Chicago, Illinois, those who oppose these measures have formed a coalition to fight for the equality of trans-fats at the workplace. FATSO, or Friends Against Trans Substance Oppression, recently led a rally to protest legislation that would require restaurants to withdraw from using trans-fats in their kitchens.

Thomas Lardsworth, the local leader of FATSO, was responsible for organizing the rally.

"We feel that the media has released misleading information from activist scientists that maligns this much loved substance," Mr. Wellington said between bites of his burger, "This legislation would have promoted inequality in the workplace. It is simply unfair that a trans-fat will be banned, but cis-fats and saturated fats are allowed to replace them. The anti-trans-fat movement starts out only targeting restaurants, but they will eventually seek to eliminate trans-fats completely. This is nothing short of oppression by those genocidal extremists." He then passed out due to a heart attack and is currently recovering from a triple bypass surgery.

"As a black female engineer, I know too well the plight of these trans-fats. It is unbelievable that these legislators are attempting to stymie this minority from an occupation some of its members valiantly strive for, especially since they often have to endure the grueling hydrogenation process to even be qualified," said Ms. Toni Wrighteus, a junior chemical engineering student who is heavily involved in the campus branch of FATSO.

However, their protests have attracted the attention of the powerful campus chemistry society, who is planning to mass e-mail all campus about an upcoming presentation on "The Bond Transformation of Hydrocarbons Intended for Consumption."

"I hope that this lecture will enlighten the student body to the flaws in the FATSO propaganda. They wish to have you believe that fundamental chemical differences between a partially hydrogenated carbon backbone and a hydrocarbon chain with only single bonds is negligible, which is plainly ridiculous. Trans-fats are just bad and should be removed from this country," said Dr. Larry Winter, the visiting professor who will be presenting the lecture. "Along with potato chips, deep fryers, ranch sauce, McDonald's, microwavable food, homestyle cooking, and leftovers."