News Briefs

Hose students and the moon

In a new report issued by the HRIT Office of Institute Research, Planning & Assessment, 1-in-3 Hose-Rulman students believe their school president, Dr. Jerald Gakubowski, was the first person to walk on the moon. This report suggests that many Hose-Rulman students have gone off the deep end. More shocking is the fact that three out of every three students surveyed believe that Pluto is a planet in the Solar System. IRPA attributes these results to the charisma of Dr. Gakubowski and a complete disregard for reading credible news sources such as The Garlic News Network. One reassuring thing the report did show was that Hose-Rulman students are eager to replace quality journal resources with dependable Likipedia citations.

Stolen bucket

A recently released police report said that a very valuable bucket has been stolen from a prominent group of walruses in Orlando, Florida. When questioned directly, one of them reported that a zoo keeper stole it. Another walrus claimed it was a Lolcat. When secretly questioned by reporters, Relokashun Cat said he knew where the bucket was. Unfortunately, he would not specify further for fear of being discovered by the walruses. Even though the bucket has not been located, Hollywood producers are already in talks with the walruses to produce a movie based on their loss. The tentative movie title is “Walrus Hears a Bucket!,” and will be produced by Leorge Gucas.

Spring break cancelled

Hose-Rulman President, Dr. Jerald Gakubowski, has announced that he will be canceling the school’s spring break. The break is originally scheduled to occur from March 29 to April 6. Dr. Gakubowski cited low class turnout over breaks as the primary reason for the cancellation. He also wants to curb any developing Senioritis in the school’s soon-to-be graduates. “I want to make sure our students get their money’s worth,” said Gakubowski. Many students were happy with his decision. They said that warm places like Cancun, Mexico can wait. They would rather be going to class to hear more entertaining quotes by Dr. Mirk Manster. Unfortunately, Dr. Manster couldn’t be reached for comment.