Classifieds

Male seeking mail

In desperate search of mail. Was stolen from loving, caring home three weeks ago. Collector’s editions of Hentpouse, Blaypoy, Lusther, Hood Gousekeeping, and Mosco. Dying to “read” the latest articles. Please hurry!

Single, lonely, and skilled

Single male seeking single female who likes pwning noobs, 1337speek, and D&D – preferably over sex. I am a Level 99 Dungeon Master brandishing the Sword of Gilliad and the Mace of Justice. Trekkies need not apply.

Looking for human

Seeking single male or single female for short-term relationship involving my retractable wrist-mounted machine gun. I am a semi-sentient robot slave bent on the extermination of the human race. Am willing to meet on weekdays or weekends. Will destroy without prejudice. By your command.

Meat

Looking for sizzlin’ hot piece of meat. Must love being dipped in steak sauce, eaten with a fork and knife, and not mind mixing with adult beverages. Preferably Oewl-Josco brand.

Wanted

Single white female, looking for someone to settle down with, maybe share a large, white house. Must be willing to let me run the house, and the country. Prefers men who have many interns and are VERY close to them. My man must be willing to travel to exotic places: Bosnia, France, and Terre Haute.

Grow your P* *is size by 200%

Want to increase your girth? Looking to extend a little? Looking to fill out and give yourself a boost? Then “grow your P* *IS size by 200%” with a stay at the world-famous Hotel du Mont Cenis located in the heart of the City of Lights. Guaranteed to improve your view of the city by at least 200%! Call for rates.

Gaming in paradise

The prefect girlfriend for romantic adventures in video gaming. Must be a member of the Bittle.net U.S. East Server, have an icon on their StarCraft profile, and have already memorized all 4 moves for the 91 characters in DotA (character builds a plus). Must also like Mountain Dew, Buy me Mountain Dew, and not mind that I don’t shower often. But you need to shower.

It’s complicated

Female seeking male with a clashing personality for love-hate relationship, progressing to love-hate friendship, ultimately ending with the agreement never to speak to each other again.

Landing beacon for sale

Brilliant gold-colored landing beacon for sale. Will keep your castle’s keep safe from dragons or killer rabbits with sharp, pointy teeth. Has been confused for the Holy Grail. Price: Two coconut halves or an African swallow.