A New Year has Come - Why oh why did the end not come? I was promised cookies. And hellfire, but I wasn’t listening after cookies.

Imagine my surprise and horror upon my return to Rose-Hulman to discover that a foul variety of creatures have made her hallowed grounds their home for the winter. These nasty, foul-tempered beasts swarm the grounds, pollute the lake, and push us all a little bit closer towards the edge of insanity with their arrogance and stupidity. Also, there seems to be a bit of a goose problem.

But no matter, as Rose students we shall persevere! Of course, perseverance counts for damn little when you are trying to fit thirty hours of homework into the little three hour block between returning to your room from playing Halo/drinking/partying drinking/trying on shoes (ratios, anyone?) [Jokes aren’t funny if you have to explain them - ed.] [Shut up, this is my article and I’ll explain whatever the heck I want you incredibly intelligent human being.] and when the morning bell rings. Thus, in order to pass and get competitive wages in a fun work environment at the offices of the sponsors of the Thorn means we must rend the laws of the natural world in order to burden our unnatural workload. Sadly, only seniors are allowed to take the 600 level courses which actually teach you how to perform such rending. Ah, I would gladly give your life to sneak into the insidiously tempting PH666 Elementary Chaos Linearization and Null Dimension Retraction course, where I hear they explain how to use the number zero to make the universe throw up. Of course, I suppose you can give up playing Halo/drinking/partying drinking/trying on shoes and start working earlier, but that would be such a nerdy thing to do and that stuff just doesn’t belong at Rose. I mean, wouldn’t you rather be kind of a big deal and have some people know of you as such?

Anyway, the first week is over and most of us are still here. I don’t actually have transportation away from this place, but that would hardly be a significant piece of information. To the survivors, I have a few parting phrases:

1) Sleep is for the weak.

2) Flattery will get you everywhere.

3) Bad things that don’t happen to you are funny.

4) Vitamins and other legal health supplements are awesome.

5) You can live on Mountain Dew and pizza, but you must remember not to shower or you’ll wash all the nutrients off yourself. Plus, such a diet has the mysterious power to keep people from spying on you.

6) Geese can process ARA food into delicious nutrients. Consider capturing one and using it to convert cafeteria “food” into an edible form.

7) The word “few”, and its associates such as “light” and “easy” tend to take on new meanings around here.