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It’s 2:00 a.m. and I have gone to my computer to, like all normal college students, check my Facebook account. What is the first thing I see: Fifty-Brazillion Notifications? Yes. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of “Oregon Trail,” “NES Games,” “Love Soccer,” and “Colt’s Fan,” but why in God’s name do we need Pirates vs. Ninjas, Jedi vs. Sith, Angels vs. Angles, Skiers vs. Snowboarders, Vampires vs. Werewolves, Cute vs. Sexy, Polar Bears vs. Midgets, Rock Star vs. Porn Star!, Wolverines vs. Toddlers, GILFs vs. MILFs, etc., etc. I mean, it’s gotten to the point where, when I go to view someone’s profile, it takes about 45 seconds to scroll to their Wall (not their Advanced Wall or Honesty Wall or Super Wall or SuperAwesomeFunTimeMegaSprayPaintParade Wall or Honesty Box).

Now I hate to sound like I’m ranting (well, I am, so I’m not going to stop) but Facebook is turning into another MySpace full of profile pictures with “The Angles,” thirty ways to show your “Top Friends,” and those god-forsaken bumper stickers (I get it, you’re a sexy devil with an attitude … thanks for telling me to never try and date you). The only thing that has kept Facebook from becoming just another MySpace (I would say random stalkers, but, they have already allowed anyone with an e-mail to make a Facebook, so the pedophiles and rapists are already here) is the inability to create your own layout and color scheme. I swear on all that is holy, the first time I see an animated glitter background on a Facebook profile, I am getting in my car, driving to Mark Zuckerberg’s house and slapping him in the face with my laptop (brings a whole new meaning to Face-book). You know what, I will probably make a group about that and invite you all to it … fifty or sixty times.

Which brings me to my next point … I don’t care about your causes, especially through a social networking site. How many times do I have to get invited to a group that reads “If [x] amount of people join this group I will donate [y] dollars to [z] cause,” or “If [x] amount of people join this group I will change my name, or I will streak across campus, or I will get a tattoo of something on my butt, or I will club a baby seal to death, or I will …” well you get the point. There is a word for the type of people that make these groups: it starts with an Attention Who and ends in an “re”. So I guess this leads us to the question: What can be done about this SARS like infestation of the social-networking site we love so much? In a single word: nothing. When it gets too crappy and laggy because we have to load five-hundred applications every time we want to view a friends profile, and we start getting constant friend-invites from spam-bots (remember the early MySpace days?) people will just make a new site; it’s that simple. My money is on someone from this school will probably do it. So don’t fear, average college student, when Facebook goes down and you have no idea what to do with all the free time you have gained by not sitting at your laptop and hitting refresh on your “News Feed” page every 30 seconds … something newer and better and more addictive will come up that will not just have all of your personal information and class schedule, but will also track your online browsing and buying habits, and track you via GPS in your cell phone, so all of your “friends” can know exactly what you are up to at all times!