Seriously.

By now you’ve heard about the Vatican’s list of seven new deadly sins— new, improved vices! This week’s list makes me want to shake Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti’s hand, not because I agree that all seven are sins, but because his list acknowledges, more readily than did the old one, that our deeds affect more than just ourselves.

Except for wrath, perhaps, all the old ones tended to be inside-out hedgehogs: their sharp edges hurt you more than they hurt others (how I wish I’d made up this reverse hedgehog thing!). Lust, gluttony, greed, sloth—one week at Rose helps you forget you ever knew what sloth was like— wrath, envy, and pride: “ave atque vale!” Hail and farewell! We hardly knew ye!

Now come the sins that hurt others more: pedophilia (duh); social inequity, together with the redunculous ¹ concentration of wealth in the hands of a few (which is I think how the Monsignor phrased it—my Italian’s rough); genetic engineering and abortion (watch us liberals squirm!); drug dealing (this one seems like they had six and needed one more); and my personal favorite, Pollution.

I’ve taken to calling this the “thou shalt not mistreat” list: don’t mistreat kids, the poor, the poor, DNA, kids (unborn), addicts, or the water and air we and other animals drink and breathe. Maybe kids are overrepresented on the list, maybe women are underrepresented (though social inequity might address this somewhat), maybe science gets unfairly lumped in (though I’ve long thought Monsanto was Latin for “wickedness”), but these are quibbles. I’d have tried somehow to work in telemarketers. But pollution and social inequity are worth the price of admission.

The only downside—for me, personally—is that now I have to add “Catholic envy” to my list of religious traditions I envy. You see, I’m an Episcopalian, and Episcopalians are the Al Gore of denominations: we may make some smart and needful points, but wow, you don’t want to see us dance. “Catholic envy” now joins:

(a) “Jewish envy,” which began at Mark Skandera’s bar mitzvah in 1981, and became a permanent part of my life with reading Martin Buber’s “Tales of the Hasidim,” Isaac Babel’s short stories, and “midrashim” on Genesis;

(b) “Eastern Orthodox envy,” about which, let’s just say a blonde Macedonian was involved, and some icons and incense;

(c) “Shingon envy,” an esoteric sect of Japanese Buddhism whose priests walk around mountains, which is just cool;

(d) “Gnostic envy,” because of their secret handshakes and gematria; and

(e) “Agnostic envy,” because agnosticism just feels like less work than actually believing something.

That’s a lot of envy, I realize. But maybe I’m off the hook with envy now that there’s a new list?

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