Seriously.

I’ve often thought Terre Haute would be an ideal location for a horror movie. And if it were my movie I’d set up shop at the Kroger on Wabash. The only hard part would be whether to shoot the climactic scene in the parking lot or the loading dock out back, or, scarier still, up at the checkout aisles.

Maybe you think you know where I’m going with this. You probably think I’m going to rant against having to interact with the zombified proletariat or that I’ll bemoan the general unloveliness of Midwesterners by contrast with the beauty and manners of those who shop at Whole Foods. Or you think I’m upset about how dank and dirty Kroger can be, or how hard it is to find decent things—eggs that are raised humanely, for instance. Or, like any rational person, perhaps you simply fear for your life every time you walk past the deli, and imagine that I feel the same. (I do. I worry that “head cheese” is made of decapitated Hautians bagged in some alley off 25th Street.)

These are all good ideas. But they’re not where I’m going with my Kroger-as-horror-movie concept.

No, my movie would start with the training of baggers. Four newly hired teens sit in a dusty, ill-lit office, forced to study institutional videos about the importance of brand loyalty, the need for cleanliness and for wearing pants.

Enter JOHN Q KROGER, who has helicoptered into the Haute for the sole purpose of teaching the four recruits to bag groceries.

JOHN Q KROGER: Young bloods, are you prepared for Kroger’s most sacred task?

RECRUIT 1: (when no else speaks) Um, sure. I guess so.

KROGER: (not really waiting for a response) Behold! I present you with the plastic bag!

RECRUIT 2: Killer.

KROGER: Silence! You see before you an item so sacred that every customer must have as many as possible. Here is our patented bagging algorithm which you will memorize and employ when you rise and when you go to sleep and every moment between: “N needs N+1.”

RECRUIT 3: What does that mean, “N needs N+1”? I failed the math.

RECRUIT 4: It’s not “the” math, waste-oid.

KROGER: Silence! “N needs N+1” is simple. N is the number of groceries a customer purchases.

RECRUIT 1: What?

KROGER: Those things that come down the rolly thing to where you’re standing.

RECRUIT 1: Got it.

KROGER: And N+1 is the number of bags you use. So, for example, if I purchase a carton of eggs and some cigarettes, how many plastic bags will you use? Write it down. [Waits imperially.] Well?

RECRUIT 4: Three.

KROGER: Excellent! Here’s your name badge.

RECRUIT 1: But if they’ve only got two things, why do they need three bags?

KROGER: You’re fired. Who’s next?

RECRUIT 2: It’s a trick question. If they’ve only got two items, they don’t need any plastic bags!

KROGER: Get out of my sight! Louie, take a memo: strike down everyone that kid loves. Moron. Everyone needs plastic bags. Recruit 3?

RECRUIT 3: This is probably wrong, but I came up with 33.

KROGER: Go on…

RECRUIT 3: I added 12 eggs plus 20 cigarettes and came up with 32, and then did the N+1 to come up with 33 plastic bags.

KROGER: Congratulations, Recruit 3! I have been seeking an heir to my throne. May I call you “son”?