Top Ten ways Rose will finally cancel classes

10. Flood. Not your typical “6 feet of water everywhere because the dam broke,” flood, no. Biblical flood. If it’s not forty days and nights, you can still paddle to Con Apps.

9. Massive chaos and confusion caused by the guy-to-girl ratio plummeting to 2 to 1 and the 2 not knowing how to handle it.

8. Massive blackout caused by an electromagnetic pulse large enough to knock out all the power in Europe. Anything smaller could be rebuilt by Purdon’t and is thus negligible.

7. Volcano eruption on Speed Lawn. Magma bursts are a must though…

6. A lovely mixture of snow, slush, ice, freezing rain, frozen water, and icicle-ized rain layered like and ice cream cake with approaching Pi meters.

5. Move the BSB floods into Olin Hall — Bonus points if you can still start it with a Nerf soccer ball!

4. Invasion of bloodsucking man-eating locusts the size of flamingos in numbers approaching Avogadro’s number (that’s 6.02  ×  10²³, but you knew that…)

3. Fake all campus e-mail from Dr. J authorizing the cancellation of classes due to the new national holiday “That’s What She Said Day.”

2. Fog thicker than the sludge on scum pond and at least twice as green. Unless it’s coming from the Chem lab…or the CS lab…

1. Host “Professor Appreciation Day” and pass out free coffee for all the profs modified with chloroform for that extra aromatic kick while singing Sweet, Sweet Victory…