It’s a Pardon Bonaza!

It’s hard for me to believe, but this will be my last issue of the Thorn as Editor-in-Chief. As you might imagine, it’s a heartwarming, touching moment, full of fond and not-so-fond memories of the great group of people I’ve been so privileged to work with over the past year. However, this also means that I have been voted out of office and my replacement has been voted in, making me a lame-duck candidate. And in the patriotic red, white, and blue tradition of dozens of exiting American chief executives before me, I’m going to grant some last-minutes pardons to people who probably don’t deserve it, as it would have been a political liability to pardon them sooner:

The Thorn Staff — Most people wouldn’t know it, but you guys are fantastic. No matter how many stories you’ve dropped, times you’ve almost gotten the paper in big trouble, or aneurisms you’ve given me, you guys deserve everything the world has to offer. Just not the jail time. Consider yourselves pardoned.

Matt Melton — Sure, he’s the biggest spaz I know and his top tens all sound the same, but who can stay mad at a face like that? I hereby lift the standing order to lake Melton on sight.

People who have failed to lake Matt Melton – You guys have failed in every sense of the word. He’s challenged you again and again to lake him, yet you do not. Frankly, I’m impressed: anyone can lake someone who’s constantly begging for it; it takes real strength and will power to not do it. I pardon your pansy-ness.

Carlos the Jackal — Admittedly, I’m not even sure who this guy is. What I do know is that he is at the top of the list of prisoners whose freedom is demanded by hostage-taking terrorists in every action book or movie I’ve ever watched. If he hasn’t been released yet, it isn’t for lack of trying. Enjoy your freedom, Carlos.

Bad professors — Specifically, professors who enter a classroom each day and talk at jumbled, indecipherable overheads covering subjects their students already know and teach from a syllabus that hasn’t changed in 20 years. You know who… no wait, you probably don’t know who you are. You know what? Forget it, you’re not pardoned. Retire already.

People who send me complaints about the newspaper – I have never once received a complaint about the newspaper that was calm, measured, and well-reasoned. Every single one has been a passion-filled flamefest that looks like it was written by someone who is borderline-retarded and which almost always ends with the line “I do not give permission for this to be printed in the Thorn.” Well, great. If you don’t want other people to read it, why would it be worth me reading? Thanks for assuming my time is less valuable than everyone else’s. Since you will be going to a special ring of hell reserved for idiots, I’m going to generously pardon your stupidity here on Earth.

Well, that’s all the undeserved pardons I can think of to hand out right now. If you or someone you know would like a pardon before I exit office, send $1000 to the Aaron Meles Retirement Fund, CM 1776.