Be aware of hairy situations

My original assignment was to cover the comedian who would be responsible for ending the months of a million laughs, presumably with something sad like an injured kitten or a grown man making silly jokes. Although I did attend, I have no memory of that event since I went off to the weekly Friday night drunken orgy right afterwards. Luckily, my editor decided that there are many other more serious and important things to cover. Such as the blood drive, where our students can donate the blood that will eventually be transfused back into them after misadventures resulting from the weekly Friday night drunken orgy. However, since that happens every quarter, I’ll be covering something new and interesting, facial hair February. Some may point out that event is a yearly occurrence. Since I do not recall seeing any more excessively hairy people than usual last February and people are known to lie frequently, I will go ahead and add them to my list of things to ignore.

There are many different styles of facial hair. Some go for the classic beard to demonstrate wisdom, patience, serenity, and the ability to avoid mono since no one would be willing to kiss them. Others go for the bushman style, boasting an unkempt mane useful for frightening other males off their lab station. Mustaches are also rather popular, as busy students often miss dinner to work on their projects and must make do with whatever food particles that got stuck to their upper lip during lunch. Those who oppose the mainstream have planned to completely remove all facial hair to protest against… something…; I’m not sure what exactly they are protesting against now, but I expect it to be something about healthcare, incompetent presidential candidates, children, distributing other people’s money, or the environment. Anyway, I will not participating in this event because the last time I tried to grow facial hair, ninjas mistook me for the grandmaster of the white lotus order and assassinated my GPA.