2008: Year of the Inane Politicians

There exists a subtype of humans apt at nothing except disgracing themselves by lying constantly… and poorly. I could make a joke about Purdue students right now, but at least they will occasionally do something useful if struck with sufficient force. While politicians are reasonably entertaining when they call each other names and cry on national television, for some obscure reason they believe that they can actually lead a country to something other than ruin. Look it up if you don’t believe me, but every government that has ever fallen was led by a politician at the time.

Still, it is election year and we’ll probably have to cover the election issues at some point. Rather than carefully considering the implications of all the issues at hand and come to conclusions based on reason and logic, I will follow modern politics and announce my beliefs as the The One Perfect And Totally Awesome Solution To All Of Your Problems in the form of catchy sound bites. Ahem:

Abortion - “I’m a guy, not my problem. Next issue.”

Budget & Economy - “Give me all your money. I’m better at wasting it.”

Civil Rights - “Only civil people will have rights. No lefts for anyone, including children. Surgeons will be on call to take all your lefts.”

Corporations - “I love corporations. This message was sponsored by the General WalSoft Company.”

Crime - “Crime is bad. Stop committing them to get drugs.”

Drugs - “Drugs are great. Commit crimes to get more.”

Education - “In order to improve the country’s low test scores, all low test scorers will be kicked out of the country.”

Energy & Oil - “I’ll answer that once I have flown to Tokyo on my private jet to attend an energy conference about fuel economy.”

Environment - “I have trees, therefore I love nature and would never give away over 83.4% of the national parklands to developmental interests with great hotel ideas.”

Families & Children - “50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death. Marriage must be abolished to insure quality of life for everyone.”

Foreign Policy - “I will blame everything on Canada.”

Free Trade - “Everyone will be free to trade their stuff to me.”

Government Reform - “I promise to reform the government. I swear. You can trust me; would a politician lie to you just to get your votes?”

Gun Control - “Guns are an outdated technology. We now have weapons with far greater destructive potential. Nukes for everyone, except Iran.”

Health Care - “I don’t care about your health. If you did, you would stop stuffing hamburgers and cigarettes in your face.”

Homeland Security - “I lead a campaign of hope. Hope the terrorists won’t kill you.”

Immigration - “I propose that a great wall be constructed around the United States. We’ll import Mexicans to build it.”

Infrastructure & Technology - “American infrastructure is not falling apart. Duct tape will solve all your problems.”

Jobs - “Steve is a great guy; check out my iPhone.”

Principles & Values - “Learn to value yourself because no one else will.”

Social Security - “Our society is secure because we pass all our problems to the next generation, who will be too overworked to defend themselves.”

Tax Reform - “Again, give me all your money. Don’t worry, I’ll give some back.”

War & Peace - “That story is long and boring. Like real wars. If elected president, I will employ script writers to make it more dramatic.”

Welfare & Poverty - “Give your money to the poor. They deserve it more than you do.”