Seriously.

Jared Moore’s contribution to last week’s Thorn (“Campus Insights,” page 6) got me thinking about a desire I’ve had since coming to Rose-Hulman. I want to write a book called “A Field Guide to Hippies, Californians, and Liberals: Midwestern Collegiate Edition.” I’ve been called a “hippie” about twelve thousand times in the last three years, which says more about my accusers than it does about me. And what it says is that they need a field guide to hippies.

In case you’ve never seen one, a good field guide has pictures with labels (e.g., adult female) and little arrows (e.g., armpit, aura). It has Linnean classification, identifies features such as size and shape, and describes habitat and range. For animals, there’s usually also an attempt to represent its call (e.g., “whooo toook my dooobs?”).

My field guide (though let’s be honest: it’s really yours, RHIT!) would have entries for, say, all kinds of Californians, broken down by region, cross-referenced for “Footwear,” “Primary Means of Transportation,” “Odor,” “Voting Preference,” “Recycles: Y/N,” and “Relation to Environmental Issues.” For example:



Marin County

Footwear: Naots;

Transportation: Honda Element;

Odor: Rosemary-encrusted line-caught salmon en croute;

Votes: secretly Republican;

Recycles: yes, but doesn’t reduce;

Environmental Stance: “Patagonia Synchilla pullovers get you seen in Mill Valley.”

(That’s a lot funnier if you live in San Francisco.)

Take me, for example. I’m not Californian, nor - pace my accusers - am I a hippie. Sure, I’ve got the raffish charm of a hippie. Occasionally I even sport the au naturel odor, though my personal scent is more “Backwoods British Columbia” than “Patchouli + Weed + Feet.” (My girlfriend is mocking me right now.) When I wear a bandana, which is seldom, I personally think I look more like Aussie tennis legend Pat Cash than like anyone in Easy Rider. (My girlfriend just kicked me. Hippie.)



East Coast-Born English Professor

Footwear: Montrail hiking boots or Chacos;

Transportation: Civic Hybrid (emits less “smug” than you’d think);

Odor: French roast;

Votes: Obama, even if Clinton gets the nomination;

Recycles: duh;

Environmental Stance: “Don’t stink where we drink. Don’t excrete where we eat.”

And here, just for contrast:



Classic Hippie

Footwear: none;

Transportation: none;

Odor: Ganja, Nag Champa,Urea, cresols;

Votes: no;

Recycles: when not baked;

Environmental Stance: “Whoa, man! The trees.”

Hopefully you see the difference. Or you will, once you buy the book. Once I write it.