U.N. passes “Silent Treatment” doctrine

In an unprecedented move, the United Nations passed its first “Silent Treatment” edict on Tuesday, ordering that all participating countries refuse to “speak, write, or otherwise communicate” with the nation of North Korea. “This act includes, but is not limited to, good natured gossip, chain letters, and get-well cards as well,” added U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.

The act was presented to the U.N. Security Council in response to North Korea’s announcement that it had completed a successful nuclear weapons test.

“We realized that your average, run-of-the-mill sanctions wouldn’t work in this kind of a situation,” stated John Bolton, the United States’ representative to the U.N. “A lot was considered: time-outs, spankings, time locked in an old refrigerator, but the only punishment fitting for a country that acts out this badly is the good old-fashioned silent treatment.”

After the act was passed in the Security Council, the word of its passage was whispered amongst all of the member nations during first recess. North Korea’s initial reaction was aloof, declaring late Tuesday: “I don’t care if you’re all ignoring me. I’ll just go on having fun blowing up bombs and starving my citizens by myself!”

By Thursday, however, the nation was beginning to show strain: screaming, waving, and pointing in other nation’s faces in an attempt to jar a reaction. In a last-ditch effort, the country sent the its armed forces marching through the DMZ and toward the South Korean capital of Seoul.

However, South Korea remained motionless and went about its business, despite whispers from its neighbors that they “wouldn’t blame them if they stopped the treatment just this once.”

In a statement released early this morning, the U.N. Security Council said that if the silent treatment didn’t work, they would be willing to resort to more extreme measures, such as possibly paying a bully to beat up the country to teach it a lesson.