You are your own judge

The first assertive right is: “You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.”

Manuel Smith defines 10 statements in his “Bill of Assertive Rights” in When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, but all branch off the first. Think of the power that this idea gives you. There are so many childish assumptions on how we “should” behave in society - we should apologize for this, we should feel guilty over that, we should feel “caught” or “in trouble” when authority figures find us doing certain acts.

Smith presents a useful and interesting set of techniques for dealing with people’s manipulative tactics and handling criticism. Smith offers plenty of conversation examples in case some of his more rambling descriptions and justifications for techniques lose readers. The conversations are annotated, highlighting exactly what techniques are being used. I found these to be very helpful in giving concrete examples of how I might respond to certain situations.

Smith’s techniques may superficially seem like a good way to win arguments, but it’s really a way of dealing with manipulative people around you so that you aren’t buffetted by their constant demands and emotional chain-yanking.

There is one tactic whose use I disagree with, despite Smith’s very heavy use of it. It’s a tactic designed in part to help you gracefully accept critism, but in fact makes you sound like a doormat. Regardless, the intent behind the tactic is invaluable - there’s no reason that criticism should upset you and make you unable to hear truths in the critique.

Smith spends quite a while in the book detailing how one can deal with the manipulative attitudes of those you’re close to - lovers, siblings, friends, and parents. He touches especially on sexual manipulations, and while the sexual attitudes may seem a bit dated and include such words as “vibes” and “groovy”, the lessons are as useful as ever.

When I Say No has been in print since 1975, and is still actively printed and sold on Amazon (and probably in the Self-Help sections of bookstores). It’s been one of my family’s more treasured works since my childhood. It’s a great read straight through and a useful reference.