Pop tabs of doom!

All the dorm floors are having a “pop tab drive.” Puns about using pop tabs as vehicles aside, I don’t get it. No, I understand that the pop tabs will earn money for charity… the question that boils in my mind is “how?”

As I understand capitalist society, money is exchanged for goods and services. I don’t see the good or service of a pop tab that compels someone to donate money to charity for it! My only notion is recycling, but if they were recycling the pop tabs, why wouldn’t they want the whole can?

There has to be something more. I think there’s some crazy guy out there. Well, there are some crazy guys out there, but the hypothetical (or actual?) one I’m talking about loves pop tabs. But what does he do with them?

I can only think of a few types of crazy guys. There’s the one who wanders around mumbling suspiciously. So surely this guy would wander the public places of the world looking for nickels, so he can trade them to schools for pop tabs. He probably wears them like a necklace and tries to feed them to squirrels.

Then there’s the guy so ridiculously wealthy that he goes crazy. He exchanges cash and pizza parties for pop tabs so he can fill up an Olympic sized pool and do the Scrooge McDuck thing. I can just see his crazy smile and crazy eyes shining in the reflection of his glorious pool of pop tabs as he backstrokes through it all.

The last kind of crazy guy is the most dangerous. Monetarily, he falls somewhere between the first two... and that’s the problem. He’s got enough money to want more, but not enough money to fulfill his dream of world domination. So he’s got this plan. A plan where he’ll use pop tabs - loads and loads of pop tabs - to make the world succumb to his domineering will. I don’t know how he’ll do it, but these guys always have some other less crazy guy, who is very naive but brilliant in pop tab sciences, who’s got a gimmicky idea to help the world that our crazy guy is going to turn around and use for evil!

You can’t do it anymore! Don’t donate your pop tabs to evil! Sure, charity might make a few bucks, but at what cost‽ The fate of the world is in your hands and attached to your can of that bubbly, sugary drink! What will you do?