New York City bans Republican from restaurant dishes

The New York City Council passed an ordinance yesterday banning Republicans from menus in all local restaurants, outraging many locals. The ban would charge local health inspectors with ensuring that no eatery with the city limits would serve any dish containing Republican or any ingredient derived from a Republican.

“First they take away my doughnuts, now this?” complained Jimmy Hoporker, the president of New York’s Obesity Anonymous chapter, referring to the city’s recent ban on trans fat in local restaurants. “How can someone live in a society where one can’t sit down and enjoy a nice, steaming plate of Republican cooked to perfection?”

New York senator Hillary Clinton supported the ordinance. “It has been scientifically proven that regular consumption of Republicans can cause heart disease, in-grown toenails, and Congressional ineffectiveness. The citizens of New York need my protection from this growing health threat.”

Many restaurateurs have had a hard time adjusting to the change. “The rack of Republican and GOP poppers were my hottest menu items,” claimed Elijah “Joe” Joseph, owner of the Conservative Café and Tax Preparation Center. “What do they expect me to do, start grilling up Democrats? No way! Have you ever tried to fillet something with no spine? And don’t even get me started on those leafy Green Party candidates.”

Experts are still divided as to the long term effects of a dramatic decrease in Republican consumption would have on the public health in such a hungry and politically charged atmosphere as New York.