The elements of the Rose March

From the people who brought you the Nerd Run™, it’s the elements of the Rose March.

Chin-down position: Similar to the “chin-down position” of the Nerd Run™, this attribute’s purpose is two-fold:

By angling the head so that the ear is directly above the mouth, the cell phone’s antenna is vertical and at the highest possible point, allowing clearer signal reception, so that the Marcher will not lose the ever-precious line of communication with Mother.

Much like the Nerd Run™, looking at the ground prevents the Marcher from making eye contact with any passers by, rendering him or her completely invisible to everyone.

Pacing: During the Rose March, the Marcher’s brain is nearly 100% engaged in conversation, leaving an insufficient amount of brain power to control any other bodily functions. Without clear directives from the brain, the body wanders aimlessly, usually slowly in a back and forth direction. If the Marcher is in a particularly dull conversation, the excess brain power available drives the body to try something challenging, like pacing on a long, narrow surface or doing slow laps around Speed Lake.

Concrete: When disengaged from the brain, the body also seeks out the firmest ground, a reaction stemming from primitive man’s instinctive fear of stepping in quicksand. This drives Rose Marchers to locations with concrete, namely parking lots, outdoor basketball courts, and the 10 feet of sidewalk outside of their dorm.

Neutral expression: Just in case the chin-down invisibility shield fails, the Marcher must carry a neutral expression. Much like a death row inmate paying his debt to society, the Rose Marcher appears to be suffering through the monthly call to his or her parents so that money will continue to flow. Even if the Marcher is enjoying the call, they must not show it for fear of looking “uncool” in the eyes of his or her peers. Unfortunately, he or she is a Rose Marcher, and uncoolness has been predetermined.