On sleep and squirrels

I thought I'd be living the high life this quarter, taking only one class related to my major. That's right: I'm one class shy of the all-humanities quarter. People keep telling me that I can't major in the humanities, but somebody's got to be first, right?

However, I've managed to not sleep anyway. When I'm not doing homework, my girlfriend keeps me up on the phone whining about her homework. Each class has become an epic battle to keep my eyelids above the halfway point.

It's bad news when they are below that, because then you have to lean your head way back to be able to see the professor. That little maneuver only calls more attention to the struggle.

One day this week, too tired to make it to class, I stopped at one of those benches that line the sidewalks. I was only going to rest my eyes for a few seconds. "You look tired," said a voice. It was a beautiful voice. A voice like that of Sean Connery.

"Yeah, been burning my candle at both ends," I told this stranger.

"Good thing they make candles with three ends on them," said the stranger.

Now I know Sean Connery is a bit smarter than that, so I said, "You're nuts, man." I slid my eyelids up to the halfway point to get a blurry glimpse of this three-ended-candle-loving genius impersonator of the one true Bond, only to find a squirrel leaping onto me!

"What about my nuts, man? What about them? Winter is coming and I have family to support! A little baby squirrel at home, you hear me? What did you do to my nuts?" he yelled at me in the voice of Sean Connery as he yanked on my eyelids. Then he kicked me in my face, and I thought it had knocked me out.

Then my friend was shaking me awake as I lay on the ground. "Whoa. I think I've started hallucinating," I said.

"I don't see why you'd need to hallucinate when you just got drop kicked in the face by a squirrel," he replied. At that point I was disappointed that I wasn't hallucinating, because I was really hoping Rod Serling would step out and spoon feed us all a conclusion.