Bag O’Leaves for Senate

Although this is not a presidential election year, it is still vitally important that you, as citizens of United States, to vote in the upcoming senatorial election. I myself do not vote, being far too lazy to drive a mile into town and cast my ballot, but you should, as all our futures depend on your actions this coming November. Or October, I forget.

Anyway, many of you will not know who to vote for. "I have not heard of any of these candidates," you may protest, "Who are they? What do they stand for? Do they smell good?" These are all good questions which I am not going to answer. Instead, I will tell you why you should re-elect Bag O'Leaves for a senate seat.

Mr. O'Leaves is an excellent senatorial candidate because unlike his dirty opponent, Mr. Dirt Pile, he does not engage in mud slinging. I am not similarly inhibited and would gladly point out that Mr. Pile has engaged in many scandals, both corporate and incestuous. While Mr. Pile attempts to cover up what we dug up about him, Mr O'Leaves is above it all, hard at work networking in our government, bringing us vitally needed resources from the federal government.

His office regularly responds to our complaints with courtesy and results. Why, just this summer, he provided shelter for me against the harsh glare of the IRS and warded off the stinging drops in my farm subsidies. All in all, Mr. O'Leaves is just and honorable, of a good family and genus, and an all around great Senator. And most important of all, he does smell good.