Alternative inauguration events

Thursday, April 26:

• 11:45 a.m. - Panel discussion - What If Dinosaurs Lived in Space

Moderator: Billy Madson, hall monitor and Odyssey of the Mind Division I regional finalist

Sally Cron (‘21), Little Cowgirls Pageant participant

Mikey Malone (‘21), gymnastics team captain

Toni Capsto (‘21), totally going to get a pony for her birthday

Jimmy Boer (‘22), once saw his Aunt Shirl in her bra

• 4:20 p.m. - High Tea - Brownies and Cheetos underneath the stairwell leading up to the Computer Science department

• 11:45 p.m. - His High Darkness Adlai Croffey leads a midnight Black Mass calling forth the powers of corruption to bless and bring strength to the iron rule of Dr. “Bloody Ram” Jakubowski



Friday, April 27:

• 2:57 p.m. - Campuswide game of “Find Dr. J’s Special Cumberbund in Three Minutes or We’re Screwed”

• 3:35 p.m. - Richard Gere will burst into the ceremony shouting, “Stop the wedding!”

• 3:36 p.m. - Richard Gere will slunk down the SRC steps, mumbling and looking in confusion at a printout from Google Maps.

• Post-inauguration - Orgy



Saturday, April 28:

• 6:32 a.m. - Reception, the Jakubowskis’ bedroom (wear pajamas and jump onto the bed yelling unintelligibly about cartoons and Froot Loops)

• 7:45 p.m. - hors d’oeurvres dumpster diving, behind the SRC (free for grad students)