Wheelchair of liberty

At home during spring break, I saw the Statue of Liberty dancing on my street.

It was a big foam Statue of Liberty, with big foam blond hair and big foam red lips. She danced tantalizingly with a sign that said “Get your taxes done” and had a huge arrow pointing around the corner. It was weird, and I courteously returned the wave it offered me as I passed, but I went on to think nothing else of it.

The next time I passed, the foam Statue of Liberty was sitting in a wheelchair and waving at passersby. I laughed. It was horrible, but I laughed. The whole idea of having someone costumed is so that they’ll bounce around and draw attention to the sign they wield. It just seemed a poor casting choice, just like casting Samuel L. Jackson and Christopher Walken for “Good Burger 2.” It just doesn’t seem right.

But then the guilt washed over me. I had openly laughed at someone who couldn’t walk! I wanted to apologize, but an apology would first involve informing the oblivious foam Statue of Liberty that I mocked her lack of ability to use her legs. Then I’d probably just get a speech about how America says, “Bring us your tired, your weak, your hungry… blah blah blah.” So I drove on.

The next day the foam Statue of Liberty sat in the wheelchair as another foam Statue of Liberty walked over to where the first sat. As if the Statue had miraculous healing powers, the first one stood up and the second one sat in the chair. It walked! The chaired foam statue walked!

I was furious! I spent a day of overbearing guilt for a lie! I planned to drive over to the foam Statue of Liberty and use harsh language to explain how I almost went to apologize, but didn’t because it would be complicated to explain, but I proceeded to have a miserably guilty day. But my intentions quickly became clouded by my fury, and I got out of the car and taught the statue a lesson with my fists!

As people drove by I could hear their jaws drop low and scrape against the asphalt of the road. Everyone had a reason to be shocked and appalled. Perhaps because I was beating up the Statue of Liberty. Perhaps because I was beating up someone in a wheelchair. Or perhaps it was because my kung fu was unstoppable.