Five sayings that must go

There are many things in life that I take for granted. There are countless engineers, scientists, manufacturers, and construction workers that all contributed to my simple task of driving seven miles each day. I carry a cell phone whose signal is constantly adjusted as my position on the planet changes. I am currently typing on a device that fifty years ago was not imaginable. I use a little piece of cloth to purchase goods and services, even the types that do not get factored into the GDP. Through use of vibrations in the air, I have the ability to communicate my thoughts with other Homo sapiens. When I do not want to entirely explain these thoughts to others, I can call upon certain combinations of silence, constants, and vowels (I also take for granted the fact that such distinctions exist). For the most part these combinations of silence, constants and vowels are well known. The following are some combinations I wish would leave the vernacular. The reasoning being ... I don’t like them.

“That isn’t a small chunk of change.” For this combination of silence, constants, and vowels to make intrinsic sense, change must “chunk” together. There must be a driving force for individual units of change to form structures. Such a driving force would require tremendous amount of energy, due to that pesky Second law of Thermodynamics. I understand that units of change can be fused together through the use of epoxy. Even if such a structure was constructed, it would not have much value. There are not any reputable establishments that would accept an amoeba-shaped structure of fused coins as currency. The saying at the top of the paragraph always follows a monetary measurement of a good or service. I like to say, “(insert monetary value here) contains many significant figures to the left of the decimal place.”

“That isn’t my cup of tea.” I hate tea, and I always have. It is simply dirty, hot water that burns my taste buds. When I am performing acts of hydration that result in dehydration, I ingest aqueous solutions of high fructose corn syrup. I rarely ever use a cup because my choice of beverage is individually packaged. I like to say, “That isn’t my aluminum can of Dr. Pepper.”

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times!” I assume that “you” have been told this by a parent at one point in your life. It was probably around the same time when NFL Blitz 2000 had “amazing” graphics. I haven’t had a math class in over a year, but I am pretty sure that 1000 is much larger then 1. If I told a person not to do something, and I find out they do it anyway, I say the following, “I told you once not to do that, now I am telling you twice! If I tell you a third time, I will (insert a threat of bodily harm on an individual that I cannot inflect bodily harm upon).”

“And the rest is history.” There are times when it is appropriate for the speaker, but there are many more times when it is not appropriate. For instance, if a person says, “Then Hitler went to invade Russia, he realized it was a bit cold, and the rest is history.” This is the case, because you can look in a book that Hitler ended up in a ditch, covered in petrol, on fire. Very often this saying is used like this: “Billy Bob caught that big fish and the rest is history.” I don’t know if there are any Wikipedia pages dedicated to Billy Bob’s conquest of “that big fish.” If it is not on Wikipedia, then it did not happen. The truth is that most stories that use such a saying are not worth the time to finish. I like to say, “And the rest of the story isn’t worth my time to tell you.”

“It is the greatest thing since sliced bread.” To think that sliced bread is the greatest thing that we currently have is an insult to our civilization. Here is a list of things which I think are greater then sliced bread: my laptop, the light bulb, my digital camera, the book-binding process, my iPod, House M.D., my Swiss analog watch, my car, my z-rest, my Chillow, my $3 red-and-blue Wal-Mart flip-flops, and Taco Bell, just to name a few things. None of these things are worthy of being called the “greatest thing since sliced bread.” I would say the phrase as: “It is the greatest thing since photosynthesis.”

There are many other sayings that I think should leave the vernacular. Wait a second, where does a saying “go” when it leaves the vernacular? Kay serra serra, and obla di obla da.