It looks like the squirrels have come back from flying south for the winter. I missed those guys. Wikipedia should describe them as “nature’s gift to humanity,” with their cute bushy tails and “step off my acorns” attitude. Their absence must be why winter quarter is such a downer.

On my way to a group meeting, there was a squirrel running its tiny squirrel fingers through the grass, or whatever squirrels do in their free time. Is it free time? Maybe foraging through the grass is work for a squirrel. He’s just mumbling to himself about how crummy it is to be a nut-forager until five o’clock, when he can go home, curl up in his bushy tail, and kick back an acorn.

Any way you look at it, his busy-ness led him onto the sidewalk in front of me. His paws touched the acorn-less pavement, and he paused. I kept walking down the sidewalk, knowing my superior size would cause any tiny woodland beasts (such as squirrels) to scatter before me. But this one didn’t.

As I approached, it reared up on its hind legs and stared at me. Not face to face like a man would, but from the side of its head, because squirrels have side-eyes like chameleons. I was locked in gaze with the beady, little, black eye. I continued to walk, and the squirrel continued to stand and stare stoically.

My spine began to tingle. My instincts were yelling “Run! Run! You do not want a squirrel clawing your eyes out! It could be rabid! It may be hilarious in the cinema, but squirrel maulings are a terrible and evil thing in reality! Think of the children!” (Yeah. My fight or flight response uses the word “cinema.”)

With each step, this game of chicken became more and more intense. My manliness was about to give way to my fear when the squirrel launched into action. I threw my arms in front of my face and held my breath. (Don’t ever breathe during a squirrel mauling. It’s a rookie mistake.)

After a minute of standing in the Quad shaking, I peeked out from behind my hands. The squirrel had left. I proceeded to my group meeting, never to tell anyone that for a second I was afraid of a squirrel.

Advice worth about $1.00x10 e-9  →