This great newspaper does not yet have an advice column. Perhaps it is because we proud engineers don’t seek answers by asking people; we’d rather find out the fun way. This is why most of my glassware is slightly cracked and there seems to be a new skylight above my head.



However, based on my eavesdropping, I have discovered that even engineers have problems they cannot solve. Unfortunately, most of them are related to physics and far beyond my mere mortal comprehension. However some questions do have answers, and I shall provide them.



“… so I’m still undecided about my major. Do you think… hey, there’s a guy with a microphone sneaking around!”

-Majorless in Mees



Majorless in Mees,

Although I have no idea if you are actually from Mees or even what a Mees is, I can help with your question. If you like to cut up living things, you should immediately see a psychiatrist, you lunatic! Once you are cured, seek a degree in biology. If you have a chemical dependence, think about a chemistry degree so you can make some yourself. If you love literature, then you went too far down Wabash and should have turned left at Chestnut.



“… these gas prices suck…”

-Some Guy



Some Guy,

Quit whining. We’re better off than most of the industrialized world. Stupid Europe and its insane petrol taxes. Anyway: do something constructive rather than just complain. Ever thought about hooking a small reactor up to your car? Sure, it will violate a few international treaties to drive around with an unlicensed nuclear device, but hey. No more paying for gas. Don’t worry about cancer. It will take more than a gray of radiation to cause problems for you, and if you can’t even shield yourself and deflect that radiation towards tailgaters, then you don’t deserve to be here.

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