Colts vs. bears The Eternal Struggle

Throughout history, two forces have been in constant struggle. Since the dawn of time, a constant war has been waged. Since an age immemorial, the blows of hoof against claw have rung from the hills.

But only now is this epic battle drawn into the public eye.

The colt, juvenile Equus caballus, is a vicious, herbivorous beast that is fiercer and twice as venomous as the mature members of the species. The bear, Carnivorous Vulgaris, is a man-eating, ursine puppet-master. It rarely breathes fire.

The rivalry between the two species has been described by French intellectual Michel Foucault as “The most sublime... and entrancing dance of death in the modern or ancient world.” Slavoj Žižek disagreed, calling it “A brutal endeavor... like two grandmothers cage-fighting with straight razors.” Regardless, the whole world will have views on the interminable feud when a battle, or “game,” occurs on live television this Sunday.

The National Football League, out of their eternal love for the savage beauty and bloody attraction of Nature, has decided to cancel their normal bladder-carrying competition to show this majestic fight.

Experts recommend looking for several notable events that are likely to occur during the fray. Watch for the colts’ trademark “tibia scrunch,” a double-hooved half-Nelson with fully painful results. The bears may have tricks of their own; the most famous is the “uvular vivisection,” which has, however, not been recorded in the wild for a century. Viewers should also expect one or more “strange bedfellows” moments, where the colts and the bears must disregard their differences and team up to defeat a common foe, like Space Beavers or squash.