My girlfriend says I’ve been pretty clingy lately...

Something’s been tingling in my pants lately.

Yes, it is what you think it is.

My winter coat is generating megawatts of static electricity, and it’s accumulating in my pants. I spend all day feeling like I wore spandex jeans and experiencing that odd, airy feeling you get when all your leg hairs are perpendicular to your leg.

Not to mention I’m sure I look absolutely ridiculous walking bow-legged to reduce the amount of static forces going on. And I’m just clinging to any metal object I can find to discharge on.

Those coat racks by the ARA are amazing for that purpose, although I have to get psyched up to touch the hangar because getting shocked sucks. And it’s a violent shock. It’s not a cartoon-level shock that could substitute for an x-ray, but it’s a visible one. I have to shield my eyes with the other hand so I won’t be blinded by it.

And the travesty of it all is that afterward, my pants are still polarized.

So then I started thinking: maybe it’s a power I’ve been given for a reason. Maybe I have to choose to use my static pants for good and not evil. Or maybe I should just quit watching “Heroes.”

A super hero? Please. Whether I used said “power” for good or evil, in the end it’d only be awkward. I’d have to wear a huge poofy coat all the time and when I saw someone I wanted to shock I’d have to spin my arms wildly to generate enough static to shock them. And if I wanted to really get ‘em, I’d have to pull up my pant leg and try to touch them with my exposed calf. Batman would be embarrassed.

On another note, if any of you electrical engineers know a sweet technique for keeping static away, let me know. I’d be willing to stick an iron rod in my pants if that’s what it takes.