Video Store Ninja

A friend of mine happened to have some free movie rentals, so we went to the video store to rent a movie. It was a day when we needed something brainless yet high-octane. A film that required little thinking, but much yelling, “Oh schnaps! That hurt!” A film that wouldn’t make us change our ideas on life, but one that would reinforce our desire to not get kicked in the face.

We’re too classy for old movies, so we began our journey around the outer wall of new releases. Between the walls of available big movies, there’s always little obscure movies. The backs of those boxes always make a good read:

“Jakeem has been in prison for the last eight years, convicted for a crime he didn’t commit... but things have changed since he left the neighborhood. Revenge takes a backseat in his priorities as he realizes the streets have been taken over by bloodsucking fiends! BOYZ N’ THE HOOD meets DAWN OF THE DEAD in this entertaining, terrifying vampire tale.” -“Vampiyaz: Brothers in Blood.”

But we ended up looking at some crazy French action movies to rent. The ones that weren’t about surrendering were about revolting, so we picked one of them up.

This whole time, however, there was a little man following us. He wore a thick coat and leaned heavily on his cane and wore a hat that cast a shadow over his Mr. Miyagi face. As we began to walk down the final wall of new releases, I heard the man say, “Hey.” I looked back as he reached out to the shelf and picked up a movie. He pointed the cover at me, which read “Kill Zone,” and said, “Get this one.” I looked quizzically at him for a moment so he said again, “Rent this.” Then without another word he put the film back on the shelf and melted back into the aisles of the movie rental store.

I looked back at my friends and whispered, “Guys… We gotta get this movie…” I went over and looked at it. It had quotes from various names I didn’t recognize about how it was the most amazing kung fu film ever. However, despite all my begging and pleading, my friends wouldn’t rent “Kill Zone.”

The French film wasn’t bad until it got bogged down with all that “Liberty, Fraternity, Equality” garbage. I only wish I had listened to the video store ninja. After seeing the film he would have contacted me and trained me in the ways of the video store ninja. Then I could finally live my dream of saving the world from French action movies.