Wednesday, President Bush announced his new plan for Iraq, which included deploying 20,000 more troops, setting benchmarks for the new Iraqi government in order to maintain U.S. support, and issuing mech suits to every solider above the rank of corporal.
“We feel like mech suits are the right choice for the modern military,” stated Secretary of Defense Robert Gates at a press conference Thursday morning. “We in the administration have come to the agreement that the reason we haven’t been succeeding in Iraq is because we’ve been moving from house to house, slowly flushing the insurgents out one foyer at a time.”
“With mech suits,” Gates continued, “we’ll be able to crash right through buildings, allowing our troops to clear out enemies at nearly ten times the speed, while at the same time, destroying places of residence that insurgents would have possibly been able to use as cover from air strikes and as bases of operation.”
According to a DOD press release, each mech suit will be equipped with a .50 caliber chain gun on one arm and either a Stinger missile launcher or flamethrower on the other. Suits belonging to officers above the rank of captain will also have a SAM missile battery attached to the back of the suit. When questioned about the worldwide ban on the use of flamethrowers in war, Gates replied that the devices would only be used for “inter-sect barbeque purposes only.”
“Specially assigned suits will have the ability to ‘transform’ into various pieces of equipment useful around the battlefield,” detailed Deputy Secretary of Defense Gordon England at Thursday’s press conference. “For instance, we’ve got a whole company of men that can turn into Humvees at a moments notice, as well as some who can become howitzers or syringes full of morphine. Heck, we’ve even got a few that can turn into a box full of battlefield meals-ready-to-eat.”
Preliminary testing on the suits seems to have yielded great successes so far. After being knocked backwards by a rocket propelled grenade and stepping on an improvised explosive device (IED), one “mechasoldier” reportedly responded “IED? What IED?” He then followed up in his electronic mechavoice by saying “God bless America and its greatest leader, George W. Bush!” before turning and sprinting headfirst into a three story building.
Bush’s new Iraq plan to include mech suits
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