Final Fantasy

Nelly Furtado once sang a song titled “All Good Things come to an End.” Dear readers, this is the final issue of the Rose Thorn (for a couple of weeks at least). That is the bad news. The good news is that this trimester is also coming to an end and so we can return home to our families (unless you’re in the ROTC; then you have to stay here until the timetables are made). The really bad news is that soon all of us will be taking our finals!

There would be much to fear if the investigative journalists at this newspaper hadn’t found top secret administration memos detailing the contents of those dreaded four hour tests. Instead of printing them, we negotiated with the administration to make those tests easier for you to take. That way, the selflessly altruistic staff insures that even the illiterate bastards who don’t bother reading this most excellent publication will benefit. You will be allowed to bring:

Physics: Up to three solid objects of known mass, volume, and frictional coefficients. During the exam, you may manipulate these objects with a force to help you remember/quickly learn what happens when objects hit each other. Hitting a neighbor will result in the removal of your objects. For problems that require reducing friction, lubrication will be provided.

Biology: Any microscope you can fit through the door and that you can not be proven to not own. During the exam, you may analyze any living object nearby to assist you. For problems that require reducing friction, lubrication will be provided.

Chemistry: Anything you can synthesize, starting right now. People who bring airborne toxins will be penalized, as will those who bring hallucinogens and refuse to share.

Mathematics: A “slide ruler.” We at the Thorn have no idea how to use it, but it can “easily” be used to calculate, according to the oldest math professor on campus.

Computer Science: A penguin or an apple. If you spend your time describing the beauty and simplicity inherent in a penguin or an apple, you are sure to do well. Alternatively, sacrifice the penguin (or apple) by throwing it out of a window.

Civil Engineering: You may bring as many major municipal construction projects or national monuments as fit in your bookbag. You must be able to justify your definition of “bookbag.”