Dr. Thom's Wine Reviews

Tired of all those ridiculously pretentious wine reviews that tell you absolutely nothing about whether you will enjoy a wine or not? Me too. That's why I have created this set of reviews that are just plain ridiculous, but just as informative!

Reds

• Blue Franc Shooting Star: Settles on your tongue like melted wax in a candle form, bringing with it hints of candy corn.
• Coli Chianti: The sassy, almost slutty bouquet gives way to almost nothingness.
• Enotria Arneis: Uniquely nondescript.
• Enotria Barbera: An almost rancid bouquet and foretaste mellow into a delightful, lingering aftertaste.
• Enotria Dolcetto: As bold and blunt as an Italian Tenor siging Solo Mio!
• Enotria Tanaro: Like a female bodybuilder, it's strong and goes down smooth.
• Enotria Nebbiolo: A petite doiley of a red wine.
• Guenoc Lodi Zinfandel: The bouquet pierces your nose as the wine crawls on your palate like a warm fuzzy caterpillar.
  
• Guenoc Caberbet Sauvignon: Strange and new like an alchemist's brew.
• Guenoc Estate Petite Sirah: This wine dries your tongue like a desert wind.
• Guenoc Estate Meritage: Like a three ring circus on your tongue, the show never ends.
• Kaesler Old Vine Shiraz: The coconut overtones force one to meditate on the sound of one wine fermenting.
• Peter Lehmen Cabernet Sauvignon (Australia): Equally fit for Lehman and aristocrat.
• Paso Robles Westside Red: A very pleasant and surprisingly drinkable blend of cake frosting and lighter fluid.
• Quail Ridge Cabernet Sauvignon: Combines the class of Barishnikov with the sass of lip gloss.
• San Fabiano Chianti: A trashy little chianti - excellent kitch.
• La Segreta Rosso: At first taste, it's a $400 wine. But then this "Bella Rosso" jacks up the price.
• Shooting Star Cabernet Sauvignon: Zips across the tongue leaving pleasantly fluffy skid marks.
• Steele Syrah: The bouquet is reminiscent of opening a box of fruit at Christmas, and is followed by the taste of fresh coconut (not that shredded crap that comes in bags).
• Steele Zinfandel Dupratt: Like being seduced by a prostitute in an Old West saloon - one that realy likes licorice.
• Tyrrell's Long Flat Shiraz: Come on an Old West wagon train of a red wine.
• Tyrrell's Old Winery Caberbet/Merlot: From the utterly empty bouquest bursts forth an exquisitely sharp flavor, like a buxom girl from a magician's trunk.
• Yolumba "Bush Vine" Grenache: This is the Grenache that stole Christmas.
• Yalumba Brian Barry "Juds Hill" Cabernet: Has the sweet, fruity bite of a grape with teeth.
• Los Vascos Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon (Chile): Stuffs your mouth gently, like a kitten filling a pillow.
• Volpe Pasini Merlot: As smooth as a Freudian slide.
• Volpe Pasini Rofosco: Sneaks up behind you and undulates like an eight-grade comedian.

Whites

• Guenoc Chardonnay: Has the crisp, pale ambiance of outdoor play.
• Haut Rian Bordeaux Blanc: Coats, soothes, releases.
• Hedges Fume Chardonnay: The bouquet is a towering infeno of a fruitbowl.
• Lyeth Estate Meritage White: Tap dancing fairies caress the nose, leaving traces of cantaloupe on the tongue.
• Monte Volpe Sesso: A medical prep pad sneak attack on the nose is followed by an all out chili pepper assault on the tongue.
• Pine Ridge Chenin Blanc/Viognier: A thin crust pizza white, produced by a skinny dipping alcoholic grape.
• Santa Alicia Chardonnay: The bouquet says "Tread lightly.." as it protects the smooth, velvety effervescence within.
• Santa Alicia Sauvignon Blanc Reserve: Imagine young children merrily playing with bags of honeydew.
• La Segreta Bianco: Like being kissed by the Sunmaid Raisin girl.
• Steele Pinot Blanc: As delightful as naked pixies playing in piles of fallen leaves.
• Steele Chardonnay: As above, with elves thrown in for good measure.
• Volpe Pasini Pinot Bianco: Sassy, but not arrogant.
• Volpe Pasini Tocai: "Like making love in a rowboat."

Sparklers

• Gruet Blanc de Noirs: The yeasty bouquet gives way to a wine that is like opening a toy box full of surprises.
• Gruet Brut: This brut is "Brutish, nasty and short."
• Gratien Fleuer de Lys: The Hester Prin o sparklers, the Red wears its scarlet letter as a badge of honor.
• Gratien Cuvee Renaissance: It shocks me with its impetuousness, and yet I am strangley drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.
• Alfred Gratien Brut: It starts off as everything a brut should be, then it betrays you. "Et tu Brut?"
• Moselland Ars Vitis Riesling: The ghost-like stuffing in the mouth dances a delightful minuet, like those apparitions in the Haunted Mansion ride at Disney World.