The Steven Segal Story
by Jason Niebrugge
When Steven Segal was a kid, he used to get the crap beat out of him every day by the local kids in his neighborhood. They did it because he wouldn’t play oboe in their orchestra and they resented that because Steven was the best oboe player in the country. After weeks upon weeks of straight beatings, he got sick of it and ran away. It was just him and his oboe against the world. He traveled all over the country playing his oboe for scraps of food or spare change. After one such session a man came up to him and introduced himself as Gary Busey and wanted him to come stay with him and play for him, reluctantly he agreed and off he went with Gary.
He was brought to a small shanty out in the middle of the Illinois bean fields. Wondering what was going on he was forced by Busey to play his oboe, not knowing what to do he played. After the song was over he asked Gary what this place was that he was brought to, but before Busey could explain, 24 ninjas attacked! Fearing the beating of a life time, Busey ran into the shack leaving young Steven to face the beating alone. And man, oh man, what a five star, first-class, employee of the month beating it was. After all was said and done Steven went into the house and asked why Gary ran, he said that he had a bad allergic reaction to the cotton that the ninja’s uniforms were made of. Being an idiot and all** Steven believed him. A few weeks passed and every few days or so, Steven would get jumped by ninjas. This went on for a few months before he brought up the idea of protecting himself incase of such attacks. Fearing this day would come, Gary told him about his past. A few years before, Gary Busey was a skilled fighter in lemur-style fighting. But after one match were he saw his best friend defeated by the squirrel master of southern Utah, he vowed that he would never fight again. After the story, Steven quit playing the oboe and started in the art of lemur fighting. The beatings were still an everyday occurrence, but they were less harsh due to the training that he was receiving from Gary. After about 3 years of beatings and training, Steven finally won a fight, but the glory was short lived because once the rest of the ninja clan of the bean fields heard that he had defeated the 24 member assault team, the grand ninja sent his entire clan of 651 bean ninjas to beat and destroy Steven Segal. After a fierce battle, Steven was defeated and Garry Busey pawned his oboe to buy a milk shake and a dagwood sandwich. The ninja clan of the bean fields never saw Gary again and turned his shanty into a 24 hour Waffle House.*
*Editors Note* The moral of the story is, Yes... that's right...
Waffle House is run by ninjas. HOLY CRAP!
**Taken from Steven Segal is an Idiot and Other Miscellaneous Stories of
Absolute Unequivocal Truth. Joe Nathan Reeves, Harvard Press, 1998.
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