I think I may have finally found the meaning of my life. I was struggling to find one recently because of the recent drop in my GPA, but that’s another story. Anyway, I believe my purpose here on earth is to find a girl. And how do you get a girl, you may ask? Impress her, of course. Well, then the obvious question that would come next is “Brad, there are so few girls here at Rose, what can I do to impress one?” Well the answer of course would be:

Things that guys can do to impress or unimpress girls

To impress her:
Open the door for her.
To not impress her:
Open the door for her, then slap her on the ass as she passes.

To impress her:
Write her a note “You're special to me.”
To not impress her:
Write her a note “I want your body.”

To impress her:
Invite her to dinner.
To not impress her:
Invite her to stay for breakfast.

To impress her:
Tell her you dream about her every night.
To not impress her:
Tell her what you dream about.

To impress her:
Give her a hug and say "That is how I wanted you to start your day."
To not impress her:
Give her a hug and say "What do you mean, no?"

To impress her:
Buy her a beautiful diamond ring.
To not impress her:
Buy it from a guy named Vinny.

To impress her:
Tell her she's beautiful.
To not impress her:
Tell her she's beautiful on the inside.

If you are now thinking: “Brad, you are full of crap, those will never work,” you are probably right. It is a proven fact that it is pointless for a guy to solve anything about girls; he will fail miserably. The mystery of girls has yet to be conquered, and I have a theory why. Girls are mysterious to us guys because of one reason alone: they talk between stalls.

Girls find nothing wrong about talking between stalls. Why do I know this you may ask? Well, let's just say I asked an undisclosed source for the truth, and she confirmed it. Anyway, talking between stalls will baffle any guy because we find it very disturbing to talk at urinals, let alone between stalls.

So now we know why guys can't figure girls out, but we must ask ourselves, “Can we impress them?” My response to that would be, “The hell if I know.” My luck with girls hasn’t been all that great at times.

Of course I would like to believe that every guy has hit a dry spell every now and then, but that would be wishful thinking. Oh well, that's part of life, I guess. However, every now and then, I want to be the last guy on earth just so I can see if all the things those girls told me were true.

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