In a shocking turn of events, both the hopes of the McCain and Obama camps were crushed as dark horse candidate Chuck Norris captured the presidency in a landslide, winning 67% of the popular vote. Pundits, famous and armchair alike, were shocked by the news.
“It was like a roundhouse kick to the face,” said well-known conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh. “We never saw it coming. The votes started coming in, and we were shocked … never in my lifetime did I expect something like this to happen.”
Norris’s victory marks a fitting end to an unconventional campaign. In a highly controversial move, he decided to run without the aid of a running mate or a political party. Norris is quoted as saying: “My tears can cure cancer. The last thing I need is a running mate bringing me down.”
The Norris campaign itself was similarly bare-bones. Norris collected all of the required signatures himself, marking the most successful grass roots effort in history. In fact, Norris’s campaign staff consisted of a single person, famous cinema star Samuel L. Jackson.
When asked about his involvement with the Norris campaign, Jackson replied: “Chuck really doesn’t need me, but while he’s dividing his time between campaigning and fighting terrorism, it makes it a little easier on him to have someone to put up posters. I’m just helping out an old friend.”
Norris’s campaign moves were controversial to say the least. Jackson continued: “Most people said we couldn’t do it, that it was too risky. They forgot who they were dealing with; I didn’t take on a plane full of CGI snakes in a very literally titled movie because I’m a pansy. The wallet’s labeled for a reason. And Chuck needs no introduction.”
Because his campaign lacked the pomp, circumstance, and gratuitous musical interludes of the other bids for the presidency; pundits theorize that it was his simple platform that captured the loyalty of voters. By disbanding the Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, and Defense, Norris vows to drastically lower taxes, with an extra exemption for anyone who can grow a convincingly manly beard. Norris himself will serve as a replacement for these departments. Furthermore, he vows to drastically lower health care prices by distributing vials of his sweat for public consumption. Proven to prevent or cure a wide array of diseases, Norris’ perspiration will serve to cure the obesity and AIDS epidemic, adding ‘humanitarian’ to Norris’ long list of job titles.
In a final departure from the norm, Norris will not make an inauguration speech when he assumes office next January. Instead, Norris will make an executive order to declare the day a national holiday, to be filled with manly pursuits and consumption of masculine beverages. Truly the people’s president, Norris will bring change to the White House, one beer at a time.