Your Birthday Today
Congratulations! Please buy life insurance; at least your family should be able to enjoy life in the not so distant future.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Although it seems as if there have always been conflicts between your loved ones, all of them will miraculously resolve after you spontaneously combust this week.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Your wise investments in short sells will make you rich in this bear market. In other news, your neighbors will assemble on your doorstep with pitchforks and torches, screaming for your blood.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You are usually of two minds about this sort of thing, but it is not a good idea to lake Melton this time of the year. Or maybe it is a good idea, it is up to you.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
If you feel strange lumps on your body, do not be alarmed. You do not have cancer, you have leprosy.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will gain the world renowned fame you have sought, as your drunken exploits are recorded and posted on YouTube.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
The stars suggest that, perhaps, a diet solely consisting of Mountain Dew, chips and a habit of not showering is what is making you so repulsive to most mammals and some fish.
Scorpio (October 24 - November 21)
Your heart will break this week, despite the best efforts of top cardiothoracic surgeons.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will learn that words can indeed hurt you, if that word passes through an amplifier with a gain of 1000 dB.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You have always been afraid of dying alone. Consider buying a dog, the only creature capable of loving you.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You will be the coolest person on campus when a canister of liquid nitrogen explodes above your head in high bay lab this week.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your desire to rule the world will cause other people to label you a maniac, but you’ll show them, you’ll show them all!
Rosehulmanus (September 4 - May 30)
Your epic journey will involve three periods of trial, two lost groups of friends, and one empty bank account. You really should have sacrificed a bull to Poseidon and your dignity to a liberal arts degree.