Carcer Hern, former junior mechanical engineer, was shot today by Zebbidiah Haze as he was walking on the grass during his journey from SBS to Matfield Hall. Witnesses, after the initial shock, applauded, and congratulated Haze on both his decision and his good marksmanship. “I remember being told not to walk on the grass when I was a freshman,” said witness June Summers, junior software engineer. “But it seems that kids these days just don’t understand respect. This year we’ve had graffiti, slashed tires, and laptop theft. And now students walking on the grass? Where will it end? I’m glad somebody is finally putting their foot down.”
Hern, who had nine minutes to get to his Hose Chorus practice and thus had plenty of time to take the approved concrete paths, had been asked once before by Haze to respect the vegetation of Hose-Rulman. Only two weeks ago, he had been lying near Scum Pond, reading a book, and destroying the precious greenery, both by squishing it and by blocking its access to sunlight. Despite that previous warning, Hern persisted with today’s flagrant violation of Hose culture. This, according to Zebediah Haze, was “just too much.”
“I respect every student’s right to make their own decisions when it comes to transportation,” said the director of resident life, “but only so long as it maintains the long history of excellence that is maintained by Hose-Rulman. When I saw him walking on the grass today I knew that he would never understand what it truly means to be a Rose student. Some may ask, ‘Is this really the most effective way to stop those that seek to hurt Hose-Rulman?’ and to them I answer: will Carcer Hern ever destroy vegetation at this great institute again?”
Haze hopes this will be a “lesson to others that plan to destroy our school, one step at a time,” and noted that, “next time, maybe students will choose to travel by a Human Powered Vehicle, or moped. On designated paths, of course.” When public safety was asked about whether or not charges will be pressed, Sergeant Angua stated, “I won’t officially say we condone vigilantism. But I will note that non-guilty students were in no danger, because of Zebbidiah Haze’s steady hand, and because this act has not decreased the safety of law abiding students, no charges are to be pressed.”
Counseling for those grieving the grass lost when Hern mercilessly took one last stab at Rose-Hulman by letting his body fall heavily on the ground is available in the Rulman Union.