We all know that life at college is a little more “free” than what we are used to back home. But I never expected Hose-Rulman to be such a perverse hotbed of vice and sin.

One need only look at the classes offered at Hose-Rulman to understand what sort of ideas are taught. MOMS? Great, let’s encourage unwed women to bear children. MEATBALLS? Oh, awesome, nothing like a quarter studying male genitalia! AIDS? I love classes where you aren’t allowed to pass unless you get a deadly, incurable disease!

But the classes are not the only culprits. This culture of sin has infected even the clubs. AXE, an organization which requires members to kill at least two people with an axe before they can initiate, is very popular among those whose brains have been warpted by toxic fumes in the chemistry labs. Ballroom, a club whose name needs no explanation, recently offered a class that taught students (both those who were single and those in a relationship) about “swinging.” INK, which encourages students to “express their creativity” by acquiring tattoos, has the support of not only many students, but most of the professors in the HSS department. Most notorious of all, however, is the HPV team. This team of mostly mechanical engineers encourages members to be amateur biologists, and create a fast strain of the Human Papilloma Virus. The team, which frequently travels to other states to see who has the best HPV, luckily has trouble with funding. “It’s as if companies would prefer to support things like EcoCar, instead of HPV, even though HPV works to not only reduce man’s carbon emissions, but prevent them entirely,” said the team president, Jeff Seanzien, when I asked him about HPV. “Although, we produce plenty of other emissions. If you know what I mean.”

While the school attempted to improve the school’s virtue by cancelling the “Shoot People with Rifles” team and the “Practice Having Violent Gay Sex on Giant Mats” team, it’s really only the first step towards redemption. We at least know where to look for direction: the Geek community. These “secret societies” have a long history at Hose. There are many different organizations, all with names derived from the letters that frequently appear in mathematical equations. Each group has a house, where members can sequester themselves away from the deplorable moral state that exists on campus, and each group recruits new members each year by showing interested students the pleasures that can be derived from a quiet Saturday night spent playing chess, and the rewards that can be reaped avoiding the temptations offered by the opposite sex. Truly, these Geeks are our only hope in an increasingly dark world.