Everyone seems to be talking aout the economy. Numbers flash on the television, telling us how many people are claiming unemployment. This is scary, even for Hose students as they look for jobs. To help quell those fears, here is an explanation of how to using your Hose education creatively. Remember, the path to your career of choice can be crooked, which just adds filler to your resume.

We’ll start with the Applied Biology majors, since they need help finding jobs even in times of prosperity. Do you like the sun? Do you enjoy being outside and working with plants? Why not start a career as a gardener? While it may feel like this job is beneath you, think about it. Depending on where you live, you could work for wealthy people who will give you fabulous Christmas bonuses. You might also fall for their child and marry into wealth, never needing to play in the dirt again. A fallback career to consider is People Watching. You can examine people anywhere and later, when you get a career in a lab, testing human brains and seeing why people act as they do, you can recall your experience in the mall and the humans behind the science.

Landscaping is the perfect career for an out-of-work Civil. You can design the perfect setting for an outdoor wedding, verifying that the columns of the Huppa are firmly in place before the prayer shawl is suspended from it or ensuring that the bridge over the pond to the altar doesn’t collapse. You’ll never be out of work as a landscaper, so long as you can guarantee the grotto you create won’t “go Cerpopo” in a few years. If landscaping doesn’t work out for you, you can always fall back on a career as a funhouse designer. Make sure the little kiddies don’t fall through any unplanned trap doors, and you could be rolling in the dough.

But won’t that get me killed? Aren’t there enough cocaine lords across the border?

For all you aspiring Mechanical Engineers out there, I have a retro idea: put down your Halo controllers and Rock Band guitars and become a Gizmos and Gadgets Champion. While you may not be able to make money off this idea, it will entertain you and keep your skills sharp until the economy is back to normal and you can find a job. You can still be a champion and impress your friends by abandoning your job search in favor of playing games. You don’t even need a fallback plan for this life choice.

The next career option is really for two majors: Math and Economics. They are interconnected, meant to be like peanut butter and bananas, like me and failing math tests, like…well, you get the picture. For these two majors I suggest either becoming the next Nostradamus or a Corner Prophet. For all you double majors out there, become both! Use your math skills to predict the next natural disaster, just like in the movie Knowing. Use your superior knowledge of the economy to heckle the people on the street with $12 lattes. With these skills, you will be the talk of the town, since people cross to the other side of the street rather than walk next to you.

The next two career paths take the student to Vegas. Optical Engineers who can’t seem to find the right job could always moonlight as magicians on the Strip. Try to avoid working with tigers, however, as they are more malicious than a Hose Girl describing a creeper. For Electrical Engineers, your career path is inside the casino. No, you aren’t gambling; you’re rigging the slot machines. Those of you who have seen any of the Hautian’s movies know that a simple pattern can make a machine spit out thousands of dollars, but what if you could just rig the machine through the circuits? There would be no need to waste twenty dollars setting up the pattern, only to have some fifty year old woman steal your machine while you are getting more chips.

I saved my own major, Chemical Engineering, for last, since this is the most dangerous alternate career choice. Did you get turned down by Lilly and Pfizer? Did you plan an entire life around living in Indianapolis and already purchase Colts season tickets? Well, sell them and get ready to live in the sunshine, because a position for a Mexican Drug Lord has opened up. You may ask: But won’t that get me killed? Aren’t there enough cocaine lords across the border? You, however, are not thinking critically. Why not use your knowledge of chemical compounds and reactors to begin manufacturing a new drug south of the border? Drug lords won’t bother you as long as you don’t try to cross into their market, and the police are easily bribed. So buy yourself a Spanish ranch house in a secure compound and start your factory.

Hopefully these hints will help guide you on your job search. Don’t settle for a boring job just to please your parents. Remember, if you end up not liking a job, you can always come back to Hose for grad school.