The holidays mean many things: food, celebration, and family among them. Of these, however, family can often be the most difficult to deal with. Perhaps Aunt Marge’s fruitcake story ruins your opinion of Christmas dessert every year, or maybe Grandpa Bart’s digestion trouble taints the atmosphere of every gathering. While problems vary from clan to clan, there is a single problem that plagues nearly every extended family, no matter how small: the Brat.
The Brat is usually no more than ten; the perfect age and size to get into nearly everything. The Brat may be a cousin, a sibling, a niece or a nephew, and is generally the biggest headache of the holiday get-together. Their modus operandi is often varied: they may dislocate your kneecaps, demolish your seven ton ice sculpture, or make noise so cripplingly loud and high-pitched that its use as a weapon is being researched by the United States Army. Varied as they are, all Brats have one thing in common: they would all look much better soaring over the back fence at fifty miles an hour. Hence, I propose Brat-punting as an addition to the next Winter Olympics.
Brat-punting requires strength, athleticism, and a startling lack of conscience often exhibited by both highly-trained athletes and hardened mafia hit men. In fact, Brat-punting could replace curling as an Olympic sport, thereby increasing both the controversy and the entertainment value of the Winter Olympic tenfold. All materials from the sport are completely natural, so no harm is done to the environment. Furthermore, Brats are a highly renewable resource. Just take a short stroll around Wal-Mart: the supply of Brats waiting to be put to a good use is nearly infinite. Provided you have someone at the other end of the course to catch the airborne Brat, each one can be reused an endless number of times, or until they get too heavy to fly satisfactorily far.
Although I propose its addition to the Winter Olympics, Brat-punting has the potential to become a very appealing amateur sport. All you need is a sufficiently large, deserted, open area, two friends, a tape measure, and a suitably annoying young child. Below are some basic tips for the novice punter:
Grasp the child firmly under the armpits. They tend to be uncooperative, and some must be held at arm’s length to avoid injury to the participant. Some squirming is normal, but if the child does not resist, you should probably find another one.
To make the child still enough to kick, most professionals spin them around in a circle a few times to disorient them and make them easier to throw. Some children may require more spinning than others: it’s best to know your Brat before you begin.
The punting itself is essentially the same as a football punt, except the football is trying to evade your foot. Practice timing with non-mobile projectiles first, as if you miss and the Brat hits the ground, they tend to run away, after which they are nearly impossible to catch.
Once the Brat hits the ground, one of your friends (preferably the larger, stronger one) should pin him or her immediately to ensure both accurate distance and that the Brat does not escape.
Points are awarded based on distance and weight of the Brat, and the person with the most points at the end of three punts wins.
It is also important to note that a participant is only to use their own Brat: stealing the Brats of others is not only bad sportsmanship, but a legal offense known as kidnapping.