Hose-Rulman named one of High Times’s 420 Best Colleges
Muckrake McBridgeburner / Hose Thorn
Artist’s rendering of the Millennium Bong, which will be capable of delivering 6,000 cubic feet of smoke in a single hit. “You’re going to need a lot of it for some of the stuff I’ve lined up for next year’s Performing Arts Series,” commented Nunny Bash, director of Hatfield Hall.
Over 60 years after the first few nugs of schwag were smuggled onto the Institute’s campus, Hose-Rulman Institute of Technology has been listed among the “420 Best Colleges” listed in the April 2008 issue of High Times magazine.
The list, which draws baseline data from surveying students, “black sheep” professors, and convicted drug dealers, identifies America’s top colleges based on what the magazine has determined are the best all-around criteria for cannabis aficionados: a multitude of well-ventilated dorm rooms, popularity of Ultimate Frisbee, density of music players with good visualization software per square mile, and the availability of reasonably-priced chronic.
Also helping Hose-Rulman’s cause is the fact that attending the college traditionally takes a heavy emotional toll on its students, as well as its location in a mind-numbingly dull corner of the Midwest. “I mean, it’s Herre Taute,” commented one Hose-Rulman student. “All I want to do on the weekends is somehow escape from the ever-steepening downward spiral my life has taken since I started going to school here. And cruisin’ the ‘Bash is only good for three, maybe four hours of quality brain-off time. After that, there’s nothing to do besides toking up. Or playing World of Warcraft, I guess, but there is no way I would do that to my body. I respect myself a lot more than that.”
“High Times prides itself on objective analysis of scientific evidence and excellence in journalism,” stated the magazine’s Deputy Editor in Charge of College Assessment and Feng Shui Techniques Jeff “Headmaster” Jefferson. “We also pride ourselves on knowing how to find really dank weed.” “We’ve actually come up with a great system for evaluating colleges,” commented John “Clawhammer” Johnson, a High Times staff writer who worked on the project. “After an initial survey of the colleges, we pick out the universities with promising statistics and send our interns to be the blunt connection in that area. If they do well and sell a lot of stuff, those of us back at headquarters assume that there aren’t any hook-ups in that area and the place sucks.”
“Hose-Rulman has nothing to be ashamed of,” stated Eric “Tron” Ericheimer, the intern who was assigned to assess the Institute. “I couldn’t even sell my best chron, buyer-dealer loyalty was so high. Plus, you guys can corner greens like nobody’s business. Marley would be proud.”
Feelings are mixed about the nationally-recognized honor among Hose-Rulman students. “It’s about time that Hose-Rulman got recognized for all the hard work we do to be the best,” commented one student. He went on to say “Dude, my hands are so big!” before climbing into his loft and taking an enormous hit off a six-foot bong carved out of one of the legs of the loft.
Other students are less enthused. One stated, “I just question the validity of their assessment. High Times isn’t really known for their scientific or statistical prowess. I would have much preferred Hose-Rulman be recognized by a more respected and peer-reviewed periodical, like Us Magazine, or journalistic powerhouse Dog Fancy.”
As part of the Institute’s week-long celebration for making the list, Institute President Jerald Gakubowski will be accepting an ornamental four-foot-quad-perc bong and a 15 glass water pipes, each of which has a letter from the words “Fightin’ Engineers” carved into them, a gift from the Hose-Rulman Alumni Association.
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