News Briefs

11/9 was a conspiracy

Earlier today, President Gush revealed that 11/9 was a conspiracy between the Federal Government, the world’s largest corporations, and the city of Yew Nork. “We all had had about enough of those fugly World Recreation Center buildings,” said the President, “and we decided that, since we couldn’t raze them outright, we’d blame their destruction on terrorists.” In related news, 9/11, the tragic destruction of the World Trade Center in 2001, was confirmed yet again to be the work of terrorists by the FBI, CIA, and rest of the international intelligence community. In unrelated news, NASA released a statement again confirming that Man has landed on the moon and that yes, the moon itself does exist. If you claim to know more than either of these two organizations and still believe that 9/11 or the moon landing was a gigantic conspiracy or hoax, al-Qaeda is currently hiring.



Easter Bunny commits suicide

Looks like Christians in the United States will have to celebrate the true meaning of the Easter holiday this season. This past Tuesday, the Easter Bunny, the egg-laying commercial genius who radically transformed the Holiest of Holy Days into a candy-and-sugar-coated orgy, committed suicide by apparent overdose on prescription medication. “It’s tragic to see him go,” commented Santa Claus via a satellite feed from the North Pole. “He was a great guy, awesome at poker, and man, he could really pound one down. I had to keep him from humping the Mrs. more than once.” The Easter Bunny is remembered by his 3.4 x 107 surviving children.



Martians say hello

In an unprecedented show of good will, the Martians, residents of our neighboring red planet, have sent the first broad-wave greeting from a benevolent alien race to Planet Earth. Unfortunately, near as scientists can tell, the video is pornographic. “We’re not entirely sure what we’re looking at,” said Dr. Mack Jidgley, head researcher for ITES, “but we’re pretty sure that these two are getting it on.” The press has yet to see the digital holographogram, but those that have describe it as beautiful and nauseating. “It’s like two cantaloupe halves rubbing together with octopus tentacles inserting themselves into human ears,” said Jidgley. The Martians, extremely embarrassed by the incident, released the following statement: “Those responsible for the pornoholographogram have been sacked. We come in peace, not porn.”